Time sure flies when you have a houseful of sickies! Sad thing is, only half of us have gotten the bug so that means we're still in the thick of it! Just the cons of having a large family, I guess.
I've had a lot of time lately to contemplate what my role is here. I've kind of felt lost over the last three years, since my dream job of assisting with adoption has ended. It was my passion, my life, and to have it end the way it did has left me in a sea of questions. I felt fulfilled because I was doing something to help others and watching the whole process of families being united was awe-inspiring. So many times I would feel distraught and discouraged because it didn't seem like the things I was doing was making a difference, and then blam! it would all fall into place and the children that were meant for the right families would find their way. I was humbled time and time again by the process and felt so blessed to be a part of it. And then it was over.
My journey ended in ways I never anticipated and now there's a hole that I can't figure out how to fill. I have an incredible family that I love with all my heart, but a part of me is missing, that part that makes me feel fulfilled. I can't seem to find my way and now it feels like I'm just treading water, going from one day to the next. In fact, many days I never even step out of my house except to take the kids to school. Pathetic, huh? I keep racking my brain, trying to find something, anything, that will bring me back but it eludes me. Every time I think I've hit on something, it just doesn't feel like the right thing or the right time. I guess I just need to be still for awhile and listen to that inner voice. Maybe someday I'll find what I'm looking for.
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