Tired of being sad!

I'm tired. Tired of being sad, so it's time to move on. I think I'm taking this harder than I expected to. The whole "can't get moving" and "just want to stay in bed". I think maybe it's bringing back some really painful memories of the past that I'd really like to forget ever happened. Anyway, as I said, it's time to move on....

Little man has really been keeping me on my toes lately. He was such a calm, easy baby and now that he's hit the toddler stage....man, oh man! He literally goes from one thing to the next without stopping to take a breath. He's learned to climb, and climb he does! Anything that's vertical is fair game and it doesn't take him long to master it. His favorite place right now is the dining table. First I tried simply pushing all the chairs in. Ummm, no go. He figured out how to turn them just enough so he could climb up and get on the table. I finally resorted to turning all the chairs facing out so he can still climb on the chair but he can't get to the table. I bungie corded the oven door so he can't climb on that anymore but just today I caught him standing on the edge of the pan drawer under the oven. He had pulled it out and was precariously perched on the edge as he tried to reach a spoon on top of the stove. Bathroom doors MUST be kept closed at all times, that's a given, but even when it's in use if the door isn't shut all the way he will push his way in and proceed to "help" with the job at hand. Not a pleasant thing to have a toddler's hand trying to reach between your legs in the middle of business! I'm just afraid we're only beginning to see the damage and destruction this little boy can cause!

I asked Jake the other day to do something for me and after a little huff of exasperation he sang this little ditty. Those of you with Primary age kids, just hum the chorus of Nephi's Courage!

"I will go..."
"I will do..."

"The stuff I gotta do."
"Even if I don't want to..."

Yea, that brought a chuckle to my heart. I guess I need to make it my motto. Sometimes that "stuff" is pretty hard to take, though.

Better days are coming....

Sad

Nothing in this world is more fierce than a mother's love. My children are my life. I laugh with them, play with them, cheer them on, and cry with them. Well, the tears are free flowing tonight.

My beautiful Cecy has had more than her fair share of struggles in her life. For a long time, she was the princess of this family, being the only girl, and was doted on by everyone. When she was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 4, I thought my world was crumbling but she taught me resilience in the face of trials. Once again, when we almost lost her 2 years ago with Addison's disease I lost it and she taught me strength and determination. I've learned a lot about faith through her. She's my rock!

Well, tonight we found out that the birth mom who had asked her to adopt her baby has decided to keep this child. Cecy had been told by several different doctors that having a biological child, for her, was a risky thing and very likely not a possibility. She's struggled so much lately with her health and when the opportunity was laid in her lap for her to become a mother through adoption, we all felt it was an answer our prayers. Cecy has dreamed of nothing more than to become a mother and it seemed her dream was coming true! Now, to have to put that dream back on the shelf after all the planning, imagining, and hoping is more than hard. It feels almost like a death to me, and I was only the grandma to be.

But in true Cecy fashion, she has given me courage to put those feelings aside and go on. I know as time goes on, our hearts will be healed and I also know there will come a day when I will be able to see my sweet daughter holding a precious child in her arms. But for now, my heart hurts.

Busted!

Little J-man has definitely reached the toddler stage! He's learned to climb and he's becoming a regular little monkey. Look where I found him this morning, snatching a cookie! (Ignore the ghastly oven!)

Monovision

Ok, after my last post, I've decided I'm not just color blind but BLIND in general! I've reached that ripe old age where it's necessary to use reading glasses, or cheaters as I like to call them. It's an absolute pain in the patootie to have to wear glasses and contacts at the same time. I feel like an old lady! Well, my sis-in-law turned me on to monovision contacts and let me tell you, there isn't a happier old lady out there than me! Basically, I wear one contact to correct my far vision and one to correct my near vision. It's been a bit tricky getting used to them but I'm getting the hang of it.

I hate the fact that I'm getting older. I feel like I should be twenty-something. Heck, I'd even settle for thirty-something. Instead, I'm smack dab in the middle of my forties and the big five-o is creeping up. I remember when my mom turned 40 and thinking she was so old. I wonder if my kids look at me in the same light as I did my mom so many years ago? Why do we have to age anyway?!

I was counting things out and by the time my last kiddo goes to kindergarten I'll be 50. I'm sure I'll get the "Is this your grandson?" questions and I'll proudly admit he's my son. Then I'm sure I'll get the "No way!" expressions but I knew what I was getting myself into when we brought the little J-man into the fam. I hope he won't be embarrassed to have such old parents and I'm praying we have the strength to keep up with him, but what a fun way to spend my twilight years! Hopefully I'll still have my sight!

Color blind

I truly can't tell the difference in my kids! I am color blind, after all. My adopted kids are just as much mine as the ones who grew in me and the realization hit yesterday that I completely forgot they were non-biological. I had the annual eye doc appointments going with 3 of us and as I sat in the waiting room, filling out the myriad of papers, the last thing on my mind was genetics. As I filled out Brinlei's forms, I came to the familial medical history part. You know, the part that asks if there are any genetic diseases like hypertension, diabetes, metal illness, etc. Well, I filled out all the appropriate lines and then went on my merry way, tackling the other papers. I handed them in to the receptionist, who dutifully passed them on to the assistant.

When it came our turn, Brin hopped on the chair and started answering all the general questions of the day.

"So why are you here to see the eye doctor?"
"umm, well... I can't see!"
"Do you mean you have blurry vision?"
"Well, I guess so. Isn't that what the eye doctor is for?"

(Insert me snickering)

"Ok, then let's look at your papers here. No medical abnormalities. Family history of diabetes...."

At which point she looks at Brinlei and then at me quizzically.
"But isn't she adopted? So I guess the diabetes doesn't really count."

DUH! I didn't even think of her not being genetically related to me! So there you go. Adoption does make you color blind!

What is going on here?!

Ok, I've about had it with life's crap! Sorry Mom, I know crap is a potty word, but it's the only way to describe how I feel right now. It just seems like it keeps running downhill right into my life.

So, we have the 2 MRSA patients then Jordan got hit with a horrible abscessed tooth. It was one that had a previous root canal and decay got underneath, causing all kinds of havoc. He went to the dentist yesterday and was referred to an endodontist. Can you say KA-CHING?! Of course it wasn't until AFTER all the work had been done that the receptionist told me they weren't under the list of providers that my insurance company covers AND they require full payment at the time of service. Thirteen hundred dollars later I'm bawling my eyes out as I drive a drug induced achy boy home. I don't know about ya'll, but I don't have that kind of cash just laying around waiting to be spent. I'm already up to my eyeballs in bills from doctors and hospital runs. Thankfully our flex card was just loaded with our yearly allotment for health expenses, or else I would be selling one of my kidneys right about now. Holy crap!!!!

Our beater car died and we've been trying to find something next to nothing that Jay could commute in to school. No such luck yet. In the mean time, as I hinted before, I'm hoofing it most days. It's getting really old! I even walked to the grocery store the other day for dinner fixin's, for pete's sake.

On top of everything else, Cecy just lost her job. She's been so sick and missed so much work that they finally said enough was enough. It was expected and planned on, but the reality of it is now I'm stressing about how to help her and Andy.

You would think with all the stress in my life I would be able to lose all this excess blubber hanging off my body. Not so! I guess you could say I'm a stress eater and the more crap that hits the fan, the more I chow. Expect me to be an elephant by Christmas!

I'm really ready for my life to settle down!

Oh no!

Oh no! I just got a call from the doctor's office. Apparently little J-man has contracted MRSA from Jay. I took him in a couple of days ago to have a sore on his leg checked out. They took a culture from it and sure enough, it's the dreaded MRSA. His little leg has been so sore that he's been limping and whimpering anytime his leg is touched. It's also been draining non-stop since the doc lanced it. I know, nasty! I need to take him back in next week to have his owie checked again to make sure the antibiotics are working. I really didn't need this stress right now!

Cecy has been sick for the last 2 plus months, and now it looks like she's going to lose her job. She works for Qwest and has amazing insurance. Our biggest concern is what they will do without the insurance! They would bankrupt without it. She's been to the hospital numerous times over the last 2 months and I can only imagine what that would've cost them without the insurance. Just another thing to stress over! ARGH!!!!!