Hearts broken

It is with a heavy heart that I write this. My beautiful niece is pregnant and has been struggling for the past two months to keep her baby. Curcumstances beyond anyone's control have forced her to spend the last month in the hospital with the doctors trying everything they could to prevent the baby from coming. Now, after a long, painful night, they have made the decision that there is nothing more they can do and they are letting the baby come. She's not far enough along for the baby to survive, so this day will be her daughter's birthday and death day.

My heart is breaking for her and her family. I know all too well the pain of losing a baby. As I sit here thinking over the whole situation, my emotions are raw. The shattered dreams and empty, aching arms are as real today as the day we lost our first born son. Even though we have blessed seven times over with other children, our little Adam is still missed. I was young and naive, just barely a woman, when we became pregnant with him. From the moment we found out I was pregnant we began planning his future. I imagined holding and loving on him, I pictured Jay teaching him to play ball. I dreamed of what he would look like and how it would feel to be a mother. We made plans, talked about our future, and enjoyed the happiness of starting our family. Then, seven months into the pregnancy, we discovered that our baby boy had died. The shock and pain was almost unbearable. I think I went through the next few weeks in a daze. In fact, I don't think I truly understood what I had lost until Jayson was born a year later. But time heals all hearts. The pain and loss isn't gone, but it isn't as searing as it was those first few months. It's more of a dull ache and a longing that will forever be there in my heart until the day that I can hold my son. I never had the opportunity to touch him, to tell him how sorry I was. I never even got to see his little face. The doctor felt that I would emotionally heal faster if we just pretended it never happened. Little did he understand the love of a mother. Adam will always hold a special place in my heart and in our family. We talk about him with the children and wonder what life would've been like. Every milestone that Jayson made, I couldn't help but imagine Adam making those same steps. Even when Jayson was preparing to go on his mission, I couldn't help but imagine what it would've been like having two missionaries. I know that the day will come when we will all be together as a family and we will have the opportunity to get to know our firstborn son. The promises and blessings of the temple are real and I have no doubt that we are an eternal family. I look forward to the day that I can finally wrap my arms around him and finally be able to tell him how much I love him.

It's that time of year!

It's that time of year again! Jay took the winter cover off the pool on Saturday and now the fun begins. From now until school is out, he'll be busy getting everything back up and running at the pool, spending as much time down there as possible, which means I'll be a loner for a few weeks. I always dread this time of year! He works himself to the ground but once school ends, we can take a sigh of relief. I just can't believe the summer is almost here! Where did the time go?!

Ok, house update....we're STILL working on getting things back together. There just isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. Saturday was pretty much a wash with all the family things we had going all day, so not much was accomplished. Tonight we're going to concentrate on moving a couple of bedrooms around and getting some deep cleaning done in the process. I swear there are things growing under the kids beds! It's a scary thought.

Yesterday was the first Sunday that Jay has been able to sit with us in church, thanks to his release from the bishopric. I had daydreams about what it would be like to have him sitting next to me, holding my hand or with his arm around me. Reality of it was him sitting on one end of the bench while I sat at the opposite end with the wrestling match between kids going on in the middle. Oh well, I guess I should just be grateful he was there to help referee!

Deliciosity

I have the most wonderful family! Yesterday was my 40-something birthday (ok 44-eeekk!) and what girl could ask for more than a box of GIANT chocolate covered strawberries?! My mouth is watering just thinking about them! It was the perfect gift (along with several others) to end a deliciously lovely day. Lunch with my sister and comrade in arms, lazy afternoon, dinner of which I had to neither prepare or clean up, and an evening filled with Grey's Anatomy. I finally collapsed into bed with a cheshire cat grin on my face! Pure bliss!

I used to hate birthdays. Not just for the fact that it meant I was one year older, one year closer to the geriatric club, but because I always felt like it was the one day when everyone felt obligated to honor me. It was a waste of time, in my opinion. I made Jay suffer endlessly with my whiny complaints about the falsehood of the day. Even after I had my own children, I always felt let down and disappointed when the birthday came to a close. I know, I know, that sounds incredibly selfish and callous, but it was true. No matter what efforts my family went to, I would plaster my face with a fake smile and pretend to be excited about the day honoring my birth, all the while wishing the day could simply pass without any fanfare. Somewhere along the lines, though, something changed. Maybe it was me. Maybe with age truly does come wisdom? My attitude over the last few years has softened and now I cherish each new year. I treasure the sweet, tender moments when my children smile that sheepish smile and give me a birthday hug and kiss. I soak up every happy vibe that emanates from my family and friends. I've learned to look at it as a day to recognize the blessings of my life and to be truly grateful. Thank you, everyone, for the love and especially for the chocolate covered strawberries!

Weekend Fun!

What a fun weekend! Jayson's team was having their spring scrimage, so Jay and I decided to go down Friday night. Cecy was determined to go and finally broke her parents down. After that we decided to take whoever else wanted to go and ended up with the two little ones as well. Jordan, Jaxon and Brinlei decided they wanted a night without parents and had their own brand of fun. Anyway, we loaded up with treats and headed down to Ephriam. It's about a three hour drive, so I was a little worried about entertaining Maleia and Jake, but they were awesome! They slept for about an hour and the rest of the time they played and giggled with Cecy. It was a fun, pleasant trip down.

The little ones were stoked because they knew we were staying in a hotel and they were prepped for a pool party! Unfortunately when we got there we found that the hotel didn't have a pool. They had a hot tub at least, so we convinced the kids that would be just as much fun. When we got to Ephriam we dropped Cecy off to hang out with Jayson and we went to check into the hotel. We had made arrangements earlier in the week to meet up with some friends that we haven't seen for literally YEARS so after getting checked in, we met up with our friends and went to a fun restaurant in Manti. It's an old polygamist's house that has been turned into a bed and breakfast/restaurant. It was very cozy and fun. We had a great time catching up with our friends and the little ones were actually pretty well behaved for the most part. Jake got a little antsy after dinner was over and from then on it was "Jake! Sit down!" or "Jake, stop that!" or "Jake...Jake.... JAKE!!!!!!" At that point we decided it was time to leave before someone or something got hurt. After that, we tracked Cecy and Jayson down and went to visit with the "boys" in Jayson's apartment for a bit. Jake only got more out of control and ended up launching himself off the top of the couch onto the gianormous love sac. There were a couple of times I thought for sure he was going out the sliding glass doors. When we had all had enough of that, we roped him in and headed back to the hotel. It took some doing but we finally got the kids settled down and then my fun began! Cecy has gotten me hooked on Grey's Anatomy (never seen it until she brought home the DVDs) and after the kids were drifting off we plugged in the DVD player and started watching. I think it was season 3. Anyway, I ended up watching the whole season and finished around 4:00 am. It's definitely an adult show, and can get naughty in parts but I'm hooked! I hate to admit that, considering it's something I would never allow my kids to watch. It's a waste of time and polluting my brain, I know, but what can I say?

So after my all nighter with Mr. McDreamy I was pretty groggy in the morning. I slept in as late as I could while Jay took the two younguns to enjoy the hot tub. We were late checking out of the hotel because of my lazy butt and then headed to McD's for lunch and to let the kids romp for a bit until it was time for the game. The game itself was fun just because it was a laid back scrimage. It's always fun to watch Jayson in action. He reminds me so much of his dad and it amazes me that I have a child old enough to be in college. He's found his nitch and is loving life! He'll be home in a couple of weeks and will be here through the end of July and then will be heading back down to Snow.

I love spending time with my kids! Especially when the every day distractions are gone and we can just focus on having fun. They are a riot! I'm so lucky to have the family that I do. We missed not having the other kids with us, but at the same time it was nice to be able to just play with the little ones. We got home to a spankin' clean house thanks to Brinlei (she's my cleaning machine!) and it was obvious the kids at home enjoyed themselves immensely. Next time we'll have to switch and take the "tween" kids and leave the two little ones home.

Insulting!

Ok, after one glorious day we are back to winter! I'm not kidding!!!! We had a 40 plus drop in temperatures and that ugly S word. SNOW!!!! This has been the worst spring in a long time and I am SICK OF IT!!!! I'm ready for the warmth and sweet scents of spring. I'm ready to be able to send the kids outside to play without having to layer them in coats and hats. I'm ready to start digging in my yard and planting flowers. I'm READY! I know we still need to water to fill up the lakes and resevoirs but honestly. Enough is enough!

Now that I got that out of my system, maybe I can be a little more pleasant. I'm still in a mess in my house. This project is taking much longer than I ever expected and maybe my rotten mood has something to do with my unsightly mess. I don't even have the desire to clean because all I end up doing is moving stuff from one place to another. The floors are done, except for the carpeting, and Jay is trying to get all the baseboards up but he's been so busy that he simply hasn't had the time to finish. In the mean time, I have wood scraps, old baseboards, and a total mess in front of my house, not to mention the total chaos going on inside my house. HELP!!!! Add to all that the garage door that is permanently stuck open showing our garage mess in all it's glory. I'm sure my neighbors are disgusted by our piggy-ness. I feel like I need to be wearing a sign that says "Yes I'm a slob!"

Things that make you go "Hmmmmm......"

Not too much excitement over the weekend to write about. Just the usual stuff, except we did get to celebrate with my nephew on his Eagle award. That was pretty fun! Sadly, none of my boys are all that interested in scouting, but oh well.

So, tonight we had the privilege of watching Maleia perform in the kindergarten opera. Yes, opera! The class wrote the script, the music, made the scenery and everything. Now, the premise of the opera was the animals were all going to McDonalds to eat and play on the "big toy". However, the dragons were too big to play, so they ended up being mean. Huh? Most of the lyrics were "You are my best friend. I want to play with you." I never could figure out the whole mean dragon thing. I must say, however, that my Maleia was the star! She sang her guts out and every time she stopped singing, everyone else stopped singing. You could hear her over all the other kids and she was even on pitch! She knew every single word and just belted it out. Of course, I'm a proud mama! But still, what's with the mean dragons?! Hmmmmm...... Me thinks perhaps there may be an issue with "mean dragons" in the class?

So, Sunday was a bit exciting in our ward. After over four years, the bishopric was released, which meant Jay was now a free man! Only problem is he was actually put in as Young Men's president before he was released from the bishopric. So that means I still won't have any help Sunday mornings getting kids ready. Darn it! Oh well, at least we'll be able to actually have lunch at a decent time.

Something else to make you go, hmmmmm....The two big boys are currently fighting over having to go get dinner. It's either that or cereal and they're fighting about it? Heck, I'll just eat a bowl of Coco Puffs! Save me some money anyway! Hmmmmmm....

Today has been SO beautiful! Upper 70's, beautiful, with just a hint of a breeze. Of course, spring in Utah is like riding a roller coaster and we're expecting a 30 degree drop in temps by tomorrow morning. Hmmmmm.....

Time to get little ones ready for bed. I'm hoping I can have everyone settled so I can go climb in the tubbie and crash before ten. Wish me luck!

Just playing around!

I decided I was bored with my blog so decided to play a little. Only thing I didn't realize was that by so doing, I lost all the little add-ons. Pooh! Oh well, I guess that gives me the chance to play some more!

We celebrated my incredible Dad's birthday a few weeks ago and I wanted to share a few pics of the birthday bash. My dad just turned 80! He's an awesome man, one that I have so much love and respect for. He is also one of the most talented men I've ever known. If he doesn't know how to do something, he teaches himself! I can remember when I was young, he decided he wanted to take an electronics course. One of his projects was to build a television from scratch. Apparently, as he was plugging away on the project, he somehow mistakenly skipped a step (or something like that) and the TV sat hidden in the corner of his work room for ages. We used to tease Dad about his TV, only because he could always figure out a way to fix things. His tenacity and determination where boundless! I think he finally met his match with that TV,though! I'll always remember the giggle and grin he would give us whenever we asked him how the TV was coming years later. Hmmmm, I wonder whatever became of it? It probably went to TV heaven, who knows?! I'm sure Dad will never tell!

Whew!

What a weekend! First and foremost, general conference was WONDERFUL! I so look forward to conference weekend and it's all a bit sad when it comes to an end. I always feel so rejuvinated and back on track! All the talks were great but Pres. Monson's talk in the Sunday morning session was especially meaningful to me. I had to go on to LDS site and listen again to it! Here's the part that touched me deeply.

Mortality is a period of testing, time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested we must face times of challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end, no dawn to break the night's darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of banished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, "Is there no balm in Gilead?" We're inclined to view our personal misfortunes through the distored prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort you and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."

The storm is raging, so to speak, for me right now. It's hard to stay focused but just knowing that I'm not alone helps.

On a different note, we finally finished the floors! YOOHOO!!!!! We even started putting new baseboards back up, didn't quite get as far as we wanted but we did make some progress. Enough anyway that I was able to clear out all the pantry stuff sitting in my familyroom and put it back into the pantry. That in itself was worth celebrating! We just have to finish putting baseboards back and then we'll be ready for the carpet in the familyroom and down the stairs. When it's all finished I'll post pictures! The biggest problem now is that the beautiful new floors make the rest of the house look rundown. I really need to restain the banister going downstairs and my kitchen cabinets look beat up. I'm toying with the idea of staining them a dark brown or black...what do you think? Not sure what Jay will think of that though! We'll see.

Lastly, Jake has finally figured out my position in the family! He's been running around all morning saying, "Aye, aye captian!" and then marching off. Wonder how long this will last?