Hearts broken

It is with a heavy heart that I write this. My beautiful niece is pregnant and has been struggling for the past two months to keep her baby. Curcumstances beyond anyone's control have forced her to spend the last month in the hospital with the doctors trying everything they could to prevent the baby from coming. Now, after a long, painful night, they have made the decision that there is nothing more they can do and they are letting the baby come. She's not far enough along for the baby to survive, so this day will be her daughter's birthday and death day.

My heart is breaking for her and her family. I know all too well the pain of losing a baby. As I sit here thinking over the whole situation, my emotions are raw. The shattered dreams and empty, aching arms are as real today as the day we lost our first born son. Even though we have blessed seven times over with other children, our little Adam is still missed. I was young and naive, just barely a woman, when we became pregnant with him. From the moment we found out I was pregnant we began planning his future. I imagined holding and loving on him, I pictured Jay teaching him to play ball. I dreamed of what he would look like and how it would feel to be a mother. We made plans, talked about our future, and enjoyed the happiness of starting our family. Then, seven months into the pregnancy, we discovered that our baby boy had died. The shock and pain was almost unbearable. I think I went through the next few weeks in a daze. In fact, I don't think I truly understood what I had lost until Jayson was born a year later. But time heals all hearts. The pain and loss isn't gone, but it isn't as searing as it was those first few months. It's more of a dull ache and a longing that will forever be there in my heart until the day that I can hold my son. I never had the opportunity to touch him, to tell him how sorry I was. I never even got to see his little face. The doctor felt that I would emotionally heal faster if we just pretended it never happened. Little did he understand the love of a mother. Adam will always hold a special place in my heart and in our family. We talk about him with the children and wonder what life would've been like. Every milestone that Jayson made, I couldn't help but imagine Adam making those same steps. Even when Jayson was preparing to go on his mission, I couldn't help but imagine what it would've been like having two missionaries. I know that the day will come when we will all be together as a family and we will have the opportunity to get to know our firstborn son. The promises and blessings of the temple are real and I have no doubt that we are an eternal family. I look forward to the day that I can finally wrap my arms around him and finally be able to tell him how much I love him.