Sadness

Ok, I decided in order for me to start to heal, I need to get this out there. As many of you know, about six months ago we were approached by the daughter of a close friend. She was 16 and pregnant. She asked if we would adopt her baby and give him all the things she couldn't. Although we never intended on adopting again, we felt this was meant to be. So many little things happened that brought us to that point of accepting another child into our family and we were all thrilled. Even my teenage boys were more than excited! We planned, and dreamed, we shopped and rearranged bedrooms, we picked a name out, took care of all the legal stuff and basically got everything ready that we possibly could.

My heart was ready and I dreamed of the day I would be able to hold this precious little son. Those who have adopted understand that the process is not an easy one and basically is the "labor" part that prepares you to wholeheartedly embrace and unconditionally love that child as your own. There is absolutely no difference in the love and attatchment between a biological child and an adopted child. This child was to be mine and emotionally I had already bonded to him.

Throughout this process I had repeatedly asked the birth mother if she was sure this was what she wanted. I didn't want her to have any regrets and she assured me she had thought it all through and knew it was the right thing for her and her baby. We had agreed to an open adoption, just like our other adoptions, and she was thrilled with that. The birth father was in agreement as well and had even relinquished his rights. Even up to about a week ago, all looked good to go.

Now here I am heart broken and aching for the child that will never be mine. For some small, simple reasons, the birth mother decided to parent. We are literally days away from delivery and she decided, after playing with a baby for a few hours, that she just wants to keep her little one. In her words, "It was just so much fun to play with the baby." I know she doesn't truly understand what it means to be a mom, and sadly she will have to learn the hard way. I have no doubt that she loves her baby and I hope and pray she will be able to raise this child. She says she still wants to finish school, and I really hope she is able to acheive all her goals and dreams. It won't be easy but she's a smart girl and I really just want the best for her and her child. I love this little mama like a daughter and as a parent it's easy to see the challenges she'll have to face. No parent wants to watch their child struggle and suffer because of poor choices, but I also know that there is nothing I can do.

Telling my children that we won't be bringing this baby into our family was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. We cried a lot, they kept asking why, and eventually came to the point of acceptance. Boxing up all the beautiful baby clothes and blankets was almost enough to put me under. I lovingly held and smelled each little item, wetting them all with my tears, and then put the lid on my dream. It feels like a child of mine just died but I don't have the promises of the temple sealing to ease my pain. I know from past experience that the pain will eventually fade to a dull ache, but it will never completely go away. There will always be a place in my heart that will be empty. Now, I just need to find a way to go forward and focus all my time and attention on my other children. Shifting gears isn't easy, but it is possible. The most difficult thing will be facing the baby every time I see the family. We are very close and interact on a daily basis, so it's not something I can avoid. I'll have to learn to distance myself emotionally while being supportive at the same time. I think I need some major divine intervention to get through this one!

If nothing else, I've learned that children truly are a blessing from above and as much as I claim them as my own, my children are only on loan to me. They really belong to the Father and he's simply given me the opportunity to try and learn to be a mom. Sometimes I know I fail miserably and I'm so thankful there is such a thing as forgiveness. Other times I feel like I do an ok job. I hope so, anyway. Right now, my mother heart is sad and aching, but I know I'll make it through this challenge eventually. It's just the process of getting there that is so hard.